An Autobiography of my Spiritual Self

It's amazing to me how much I have grown in the last couple of months. I am writing this as a spiritual autobiography, if you will. It's mostly for me and for my kids later on. If you are bored to tears, move on to the next cool blog, by all means. Don't let me keep you.

For a long time I lived in a far and distant place that kept me from loving myself, it made me so that I didn't feel worthy of the countless blessings that had been poured over me in the last several years: meeting and marrying for all eternity my soul-mate, returning to the church, the birth of my four wonderful children (obviously these blessings are not in order as my oldest son was only four years old when I met soul mate) and a number of other countless blessings. In this place I could never be the person that I truly wanted to be: to be the person that I knew I was deep inside somewhere. I lived in terror there; afraid that someone might hurt me or my family at any moment. In that place I always put limitations on myself. I was never good enough. I was never skinny enough. I was never pretty enough. I could actually see myself getting older and less appealing when I stared into the mirror criticizing every small flaw. I could never learn; for I thought I wasn't very smart. I would vocalize these insecurities and made people feel uncomfortable.

I always missed that person, the one that I knew lived far from me and me far from her. I missed her intensely like I would miss a loved one. I had memories of her. I had happy memories of her. I don't remember exactly when she went away. I just know that she moved further and further away...gradually. I lived in my past.

When I lived in my past I felt like a lost soul for several years....ok maybe more like 20 or so, I consider that MORE than several. At least I had the memory of that person, the happy and fun one that always felt like she could do anything and did not care what others thought.

I started to realize more and more how crucial it was that I get in touch with that child-like girl again; to bring her back into my life and to never let go. I didn't know how though. It was hard for me to believe that I could just learn on my own to do it. I prayed to my Father and pleaded that somehow I could have peace...inner peace. I got a phone call from a friend who was hesitant in telling me that her sister-in-law had convinced her that she needed to go to this training that was going to change her life. The class would start the very next day. I automatically felt envious because I knew that it probably would change her life, but I was also happy for her. I don't know why I assumed that it WAS indeed going to change her life, as neither one of us knew much about it. She went the very next day and for three days after that. I talked to her when she was done and she HAD foregone some extraordinary change. For weeks she told me how different and great life was for her. I knew that this was my answer. I didn't realize the immeasurable change that was coming my way.

I went to my class for four days. I was someone with a purpose. My purpose was to leave that place where I had lived for so long...my purpose was to leave the past where it belonged, in the past. I wasn't told anything that I had never heard before. The answers were already in me. I begun to realize just how powerful I really am. I was able to unlock some gifts that I had no idea I even possessed. I had more than several "ah ha" moments throughout those 4 short days. I still do.

I want to record here how I was able to get to where I am now: first and foremost I asked my Heavenly Father to be with me on this journey to self-discovery. I was aware of Him at all times, I received peace from Him and comfort when I needed it.
I knew my specific purpose and I was determined to get it.
I learned how living in the past affected me. It was painful to see just how much of an impact I had let the past have.
I learned that by avoiding and not facing my insecurities and fears I was not being true to myself. I was placing tremendous limitations on myself. The ways I avoided were:

• Shopping: I never thought it was possible, but material things do not have the same importance to me that they used to. I see it as "stuff". The other night Sweets asked me if it might be time to get a bedroom set for us...we have a cute Pottery Barn type bed, the paint has been chewed off by our kids so maybe it's not so cute anymore, and we just have some other stuff that was either given to us or bought at the DI. I told him in all honesty that although it would look nice, I don't really care, it seems like we could spend that somewhere else where we might need it. Don't get me wrong, I still like the niceties; it's just that they've lost their importance.
• Talking on the phone, being on the computer (yet here I sit...I think we can all justify this with the fact that we are responsible for keeping our own histories) online shopping or just emailing or surfing the web: I don't spend as much time on the phone, it's hard to want to be on the phone too long when you have precious children waiting for you to turn your attention on them. I try to spend more quality time talking to my kids and getting down on the floor to play with them. I realize that the dishes and any other household demand will still be there unfinished while I spend time with these little people that have been entrusted to me by our Heavenly Father. I realize that I have a responsibility to Him and to them and even to myself. We should always remember that child that lives within each and every one of us. Take her out and play, let your kids meet her. Talk about what you used to dream about....what you dream about now. Let your kids in, let them really know YOU.
• Being a people-pleaser and avoiding confrontation: I absolutely have no problem with standing up for what I believe to be right, or for my kids or for our religion, or for myself. I used to talk tough when the whole time I was so scared that I would be discovered: my fears, insecurities, my shortcomings, and on and on. I know who I AM. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father; an amazing extension of Him who is perfect. I know that I have purposes here on earth and I will do everything in my power to accomplish them. I will stand steadfast in the duties that I have to myself and to others.
  

There are other ways that I avoided facing the pain in me, but those were the main ones that I wanted to talk about.

I learned that just because someone says it about you it isn't true. Everyone has opinions and someone might have an opinion about you. This doesn't mean that it's true; it's just information...feedback that you can choose to use or discard.

The beauty of life IS that we have choices. This is our Heavenly Father's plan..he wants us to know that we have choices. Once you see the choices...they are there for you. Once I saw that I didn't have to live in pain and live in my past, I chose not to. It wasn't productive it was destructive. The things that I chose to leave behind are: my negative beliefs about myself, my feelings of being ashamed and guilty, my judgments of others, my unwillingness to forgive myself, and my incapability to love myself.

I was faced with the kind of negative beliefs that I had about myself: not worthy, not smart, not skinny, judgmental, scared, full of fears, afraid what others thought of me,not a finisher.

I also faced the positive beliefs that I had about myself: trustworthiness, the love I have for my husband and children, the knowledge that I would be happy when I learned to fully let go of the past and not let it define me any longer.

I learned how the results of these beliefs about myself impacted my life. I have already said how living in the past made me feel about myself. Fortunately for me, even with this very clouded and distorted perception of myself...I was able to love others and when my soul mate came into my life I was able to recognize him. This (meeting Sweets) was the ultimate turning point for me; a realization that I wanted to be whole again...a better person for this wonderful blessing that had been presented to me. The rest, as far as our relationship goes, is, as they say, history. It has been a magnificent life with Sweets by my side. I can tell him anything and he loves me no matter what. He has this cool gift where he can see people, truly see them. Even though I couldn't see me, he could. He loved who he saw. He accepted who he saw. I was saved for him and for him only, as he was for me. A day has not gone by yet where we have taken each other for granted. He is finally mine...mine, because I FEEL worthy of him. He gets the whole me...the true awesome me that was buried deep for so long.

I was able to truly forgive the people who hurt me in my life...to come to peace with all of them. It doesn't mean that I would let them back into my life. I just don't feel the pain from their actions any longer. I've truly let go and reclaimed MY OWN POWER over myself. Most importantly though, I have been able to forgive myself and truly learn the miracle of our Savior's Atonement.

My purposes have become clear and I experience clarity on a daily basis. For a long time I kept wondering to myself "really, this is what I'm here for? Taking care of kids and keeping the house clean?" I loved everyone in my life, don't get me wrong, but I didn't see what I could get out of life. It's actually about what I can bring to this life, to this earth, and to these people in my life. I can bring others up and inspire them to realize their own self-worths. I have the power to influence whoever I choose through example with the gifts that have been bestowed upon me.

I learned not to worry so much about the mechanics of getting things done but to begin with the intention. From there anything can happen. I believe that anything is possible. I know that God puts people in in our paths to assist us in some way every day. You don't even have to look for opportunities to serve others but you can pray for them and they will come. Others will actually pray for a miracle and you could be part of making that miracle come true.

I learned that by BEING the person your supposed to be you will naturally DO the things that must be done and therefore you will HAVE the things that your heart desires.

I may or may not come back to this story of ME, but for now, I am at peace and everything has fallen into place, as it should be. I have silenced those voices in my head that were cluttering my mind and thoughts. Through my voice and actions I am able to portray what is truly in my heart and in turn others can see me for who I truly am.

I plan on immersing myself in my own endeavors. I will live deeply and with meaning. Touching lives and souls that need to be touched. I will inspire others. I will be open to possibilities.

I feel so privileged to have the Gospel truths in my life; the knowledge of a Father who loves each and everyone of us and who knows our true spirits; because He doesn't see the labels that we put on ourselves; He refuses to see those things that we sometimes believe define US. I am so grateful for my Savior who knows each and everyone of our ups and downs...He felt it all in the garden. He delivers us, He redeems us, He comforts us, He is the light...He is our salvation!