It's 2:38am now and I've been awake for quite a while now. I was trying to figure out why I was feeling so restless and so I was going through my most current experiences: a Relief Society lesson given yesterday. I pondered on that one for a while.
My lesson was on establishing the cause of Zion. I worked on it all last week and I found a lot of material on it and I was actually feeling pretty good about it. i thought for sure it was going to turn out pretty well for me. At one point, early on in the preparation thereof, I was at the desk in our office. I was just beginning a prayer to God to ask for His help on this when my oldest daughter came out of her room followed by her little sister. "I want breakfast" she asked. I held up my finger to indicate that I was in the middle of something and to hold it right there. I tried to finish my prayer half-heartedly while my girls looked on waiting. This was probably the only time God heard from me all week.
By Saturday I was still feeling confident that this lesson was going to go well and didn't give it another thought. As a side note: this confidence would have never existed a year or so ago. I was absolutely TERRIFIED when I received the calling to teach and I cried to my husband because there was no way that I was going to be able to do this. When my turn came around to teach he helped me tremendously; giving me suggestions and encouraging me along the way. I was also extremely prayerful. When Sunday came, my husband and kids all wished me luck. I remained prayerful all through my nausea and even dizziness. Funny what a mind can do for you...messing with me in this way. Even up to the second when we sang the last word of the practice hymn (indicating that I was to go next) I pleaded in my head "God please help me!" The song ended and I stood up confidently and walked to the front and welcomed my sisters happily. I felt the Spirit so strong and afterwards I received numerous compliments from my fellow sisters. I felt triumphant that day; overcoming such a difficult insecurity. I later thanked my Heavenly Father like crazy for being there for me.
Back to this last lesson then. Well, how do you think I faired? Without the Lord's help or attention or anything? Not so good. I felt the lack of Spirit as I went through every single word that I had prepared. I couldn't place it then. Why are the sisters so quiet? I asked myself. What's going on here? I started to feel insecure as I looked upon these faces in need of spiritual nourishment. I have done this for a while now, so I didn't fall apart when I saw what I saw. I did finish the lesson with my testimony and afterwards I did have some sweet sisters come up and thank me for the lesson, for my time and preparation. What they were saying made sense...I HAD taken a lot of time to prepare, I DID give a good lesson with a lot of good information. Where I didn't prepare though was spiritually. I hadn't stayed in contact with my Heavenly father on this one. My ego or humanness or whatever you want to call it said "Oh hey, I've got this one". NO, I, in fact didn't. So there it is, and it all dawned on me this last little while.
So, for future reference and happiness and peace of mind and for a deep connection to my Heavenly Father...I will stay connected to Him. I am sorry that I got all cocky and didn't think to ask Him to be with me when I surely needed it. I cheated myself, as well as my sisters when I didn't ask for Him to be with us in spirit. The sister that said the opening prayer asked it of Him, but just as she said it, I knew that somehow I had messed up in not asking this of Him myself.
Anywho, these were the thoughts of a restless spirit who is restless no more. I just need to say that when I am staying connected to God in prayerful communication; which sometimes isn't even so formal as that. I KNOW with all my heart that He is aware of me. When I show gratitude for the things in my life or for the experiences that I get to have in this life...I feel a deep connection to everything around me. I am so happy and I have such a passion for life that I'm constantly thanking Him for even the little good things that happen to me. I get the best parking spaces because I ask it of Him, my kids stop fighting and I have a peaceful home all because I have decided that I'm going to make God a part of my life today. So today and everyday from now on because the fact is, He loves us so tremendously and loves more than anything to feel close to us.
5 comments:
I had such a similar experience last week - same thing, teaching a RS lesson and it was such a bad thing because of the exact reasons you stated for yourself.
I felt like I was reading the lines straight from my own head as I read your post. It was very eloquent - especially for being written at such an atrocious hour of the day to be awake!! I appreciate you taking the time to write something so personal as it so clearly stated so much of how I have been feeling myself.
Great reminder, great friend. Thanks.
That was so great P. It gave me a few tears. I taught RS back in UT and had at least 3 lessons where that happened over my 2 years of teaching . . . and even though it would have been best if I hadn't let myself rely on my own strength, the good thing is, that just like you so perfectly expressed, it alwyas humbled me enough to get it better the next few times. You are amazing. i wish I could sit in on some of your lessons!
i, too, wish i could come to some of your lessons, P. Thanks for the awesome reminder. regrettably i have had that experience myself. the worst case was on the day i left my mission. my mission pres asked me to come to a zone leader/district leader seminar to speak to all of them about some things i had shared with him before. it was very powerful when i had talked to the pres and that is why i was invited to be the first sister ever (besides pres wives) to speak in this type of mtg to all the leaders of the mission. anyway, i thought i had the talk down because it was powerful material and i knew that it was awesome and i knew that i was awesome because i was the only sister ever asked to do such a thing. i totally bombed. same lesson. i don't ever want to learn it again! thanks for reminding me since i have to teach next week!
thanks for sharing that. I know what you mean. It isn't about the teacher though you are just the conduit and if you don't have the spirit they don't feel it and they may hear your lesson but it doesn't penetrate their hearts...Yeah I have done this both ways...but this made me think that about when I am with my kids npt just for a lesson I need to approach it with the kind of way I would a lesson
I yuv you thats what I say to Henry
Thanks for the great reminder of not giving in to the universal struggle we all go through to stay close to our Heavenly Father. Although I wasn't there to hear that lesson-I have been there for several others you've given that overflowed with the spirit! You are fabulous.
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